The Problem With No Sex Before Marriage

I Am A Ghanaian Borga
July 11, 2016
Let Her Go
July 18, 2016

“I have decided not to have sex until I am married.”

Every now and then, I will meet a love interest who hits me with the “no sex before marriage” rule. Nothing on earth prepares you for this statement especially if you do not subscribe to the “no sex before marriage” club. These words can be particularly hard to hear if you have developed some sort of strong attraction for the person. These words will be also hard to hear if the person uttering these words has turned up the charm for you.

We have a problem here. A problem that causes me a great deal of

heartburn when it comes to a person who does not want to have sex until marriage, trying to date someone of the opposite view and vice versa. If your goal is saving it until marriage, you are going to walk into a myriad of frustrations if you are not looking for partners within your club.

You are saving it before marriage because you have taken a purity pledge. You are a pure virgin. You are not a virgin but you have discovered a higher form of faith so you are now saving it for marriage. You are a secondary virgin.

 (Side rant) When was the last time you heard a person who is not a virgin say “I am saving it for marriage?” I thought this type of conversion is rare but I was proven wrong.  There are quite a few secondary virgins out there. Chances are, you may run into one of them.

Whether you are a pure virgin or a secondary virgin, you have taken a personal vow not to have sex until you get married. Hey, I am not mad at you. I am actually happy for you. Your moral compass is stronger than most of us. I do not have a problem with you choosing not to have sex until you get married.

It’s your body, it’s your choice.

Call me crazy, but if someone does not want to have sex before marriage, I want to be very kind and gentle to them. Kind and gentle in this context means that I am going to respect your stance and not attempt to enter your world from a romantic standpoint. It is highly unfair to turn up the charms for you, make you fall in love with me then use the strong emotional bond we share to make you break your vows. It is wrong to wade into your world and push or try to convince you to join my “sex is cool before marriage” club.

The ideology that the right person will change their minds and also hold off sex until marriage is ludicrous. Pardon my language.

That said, it is unfair for you to enter my world with your “no sex before marriage” stance, make me fall in love with you then expect me to hold off sex to prove my commitment to you. I cannot mutate for you that easily. I know myself and I know I cannot make a commitment not to have sex.

If you want a “hold hands and kiss” type of relationship, I am not your guy. Look to your church members or you may find a “hold hands and kiss” partner in your circles of like-minded individuals.

Permit me to share a personal story of a close friend of mine. She happens to be a God-fearing Ghanaian lady. She dated a guy for two years before they got married. Being a strong Christian, she told him she had taken a vow to remain pure until she got married. He tried to get her to change her mind and failed. He finally decided to wait because he wanted to marry her.  They had sex for the first time on their wedding night. That same night, he gave her an STD; the highly unpleasant kind that we all dread. For two years, her boyfriend slept with countless women without her knowledge. He was not able to hold off having sex while he waited to get married. When she told me her story amidst tears, she disclosed how she used to praise him for controlling his urges to friends and family. She told me if she has a chance for a do-over, she will still wait to have sex after marriage. However, she will not make the mistake of making a man change his views and hold off sex because of her. I am not sharing this story as a cautionary tale. I share this story to drive home the point of how preposterous it is to expect someone to change their stance on sex before marriage for you.

Like I said before, it is your body and your choice. Unlike you, however, I want to know if we are sexually compatible before we get married. Sexual chemistry is something I can only ascertain by having sex with you.

 In addition to sexual chemistry, I want to know what sexual perversions you are harboring behind that good Christian smile. I am not waiting until our wedding night to have you emerge from the bathroom fully clad from head to toe in black leather wielding a whip and scaring the living daylights out of me.

If you want to wait to find out if he is packing a big table spoon

or a tiny teaspoon, that is cool. For one thing, you will have no clue if your new spouse has any sexual issues like an inability to climax, keep his grease shaker up the whole time or if you may have an allergy to his grease pumps.  Then again, if your faith drives you to wait to find out, that is cool. I am not mad at you.

Look, I am not thrashing the entire “no sex before marriage” club. There are a lot of awesome people staying pure and saving it for marriage. My argument is simple, if you have taken a vow of purity, find and date others who hold the same convictions as you. It is wrong to expect someone to change their stance on “sex before marriage” for you. It is also wrong for someone who does not hold the same convictions to place you in a position where you have to struggle and be conflicted by your vows. When it comes to sex before marriage, do not try to get someone to mutate for you.

Let us all be kind and gentle to each other by staying within our respective clubs.

Kwadjo Panyin…

P.S. I have one small favor to ask the “no sex before marriage” club members. When you attend your next all-night prayer session, do pray for me. It looks like I am going straight to hell 🙂

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Author: Kwadjo Panyin

Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.

34 Comments

  1. Cynthia says:

    Fantastic message

  2. Nma says:

    Had a good and hard laugh at this ” In addition to sexual chemistry, I want to know what sexual perversions you are harboring behind that good Christian smile. I am not waiting until our wedding night to have you emerge from the bathroom fully clad from head to toe in black leather wielding a whip and scaring the living daylights out of me.”… Anyway nice piece Kwadjo…

  3. Do not be decieved! says:

    Hi there, I see nothing laudable about your piece.. you sit there getting people (Christians) to turn their backs on Gods Word.Any man who haves sex b4 marriage has commited adultery. And that is a sin.Jesus admonished d adultery to Go nd not ‘Sin’anymore..He termed it Sin because that’s what it is.it’s your opinion Yes,but I suggest U keep it to yourself.you are leading people astray and that is…..Hmmmm…and to most of U Christians out there who are keeping away from sex till marriage.. that’s the way to go.Do not be deceived.

  4. Odaate says:

    Nice piece but no one can change what God has said in Galatians 5:16-21. Whatever your reason for not waiting till after marriage will not change the mind of God on judgement day. Look we are all sexual beings and we have feelings but unless you are not a christian, then you can go ahead.(even with that kraa as3m w)h)!!!) i am not a holy person. i have broken the law several times and i am not proud of it. All the best.

  5. Onyinye says:

    Sounds more like marry someone with whom you share the same values. Really works.

  6. Charles says:

    Nice one. But whom would you give your vehicle to drive the licenced or the unlicensed driver.Certainly you have a choice but there are consequences for our actions. More love Bro.

  7. BRA SIKA Gh says:

    Nice piece.Ma guy u’ve really made ma day. I admire critical thinkers. And with all d comments above,I think i’m getting closer to wat I seek in ma sex life.

  8. mercedes says:

    One more thing…I have some gifts for both of you so kindly find a way to receive them . …you can drop your mail adds and will inbox you..thanks

    • abusuame says:

      thanks… Kwadjo has me email, you may kindly pick it from him.

      • Mercedes says:

        Kwadjo hasn’t given me your mail add…so if you can stop by the Accra mall let me know when. .I will drop them with someone for you to pick up…if that’s ok please let me know….OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN really loves you….

  9. Afi says:

    Different perspective and a nice read. The end is just an overdose of sarcasm lol. You won’t be on the prayer points list; cuz no1 is judging you.We are busy staying in our own lane; like you advised.

    • mercedes says:

      Shaking my head and smiling @Kwadjo and Abusuame…I really want to believe it’s sarcasm but you must really read and ask the HOLY SPIRIT to teach you to understand the HOLY BOOK really well….and to you Kwadjo I will pray for the HOLY SPIRIT to renew your mind because no man can cause the change…its only the HOLY SPIRIT that can…It is well ok…

      • abusuame says:

        Just wondering where i have gone off tangent; is it the point about the love of God for mankind, or the free access to heaven or the fact that God does not like greasing without commitment( commitment here being marriage- Hebrews 13: 4).

        I do not know about you, but having struggled all my life with sin and God and coming to by grace understand the freedom of love and God’s provision for my sins, i thought it will be nice to share a few thoughts about based upon the “request”….

        But my words were not intended to be sarcastic, just genuine thoughts from a sinner saved by grace( Ephesians 2:8-10) about “a very real written and nice article”. I like his articles, i read them when they appear on my facebook link and i actually look forward to what he will write about next.

        That said, as for understanding the Holy book, i must confess,little i know and like Paul i always cry for more( Philippians 3:10- 14)- i will be glad for more enlightenment.

        • Ama says:

          Kindly read Romans chapter 6 Abusuame. Yes, we are saved by grace and the only work required is to believe in Jesus Christ as the son of God whose death paid your ransome. But after salvation God expects of His new child a life of holiness and that’s why He says ‘Be holy, for I am holy’ (1Pet 1:16). Grace is NOT an excuse to sin(Rom 6:1, 1Jn 3:5, 6, 9, 10) and the list sure goes on. Again, God will not lower his standards to fit ours. It’s all spelt out in the bible. Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did (1Jn 2:6)

          And certainly, heaven is not free for all! Nothing impure enters there… but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life (Rev 21:27). Praise Jesus!

          • abusuame says:

            Hi Ama, thanks,
            Kindly, when i say heaven is free for all, i am using the same meaning as captured in the verses i quoted earlier.Every one on this earth now has the wonderful opportunity to go to heaven. Every one being all men, who are all sinners, for whom Christ came to die and has brought life and immortality to and whom the father seeks to save and wishes all will come to repentance.

            It is a simple and true statement as ” God so loved the “world” that he gave his only begotten son that WHOSOEVER believes in him should not PERISH”.( John 3:16) The offer is for all.Open to all. So as it stands now “if you end up perishing nawa ohhhh!”

            My submission was not with respect to “living the christian life after being saved”. It was more towards getting saved first. And the good news therein.

            Once the person is in Christ, we shall move on to learn the baby steps, but at least the person must be born again, before we can talk about holiness…anaaa?

            Surely God never lowered his standard, he just lowered his status temporarily ( Hebrews 2:9-18 and Philippians 2:7) So that he can save us.

            Heaven is FREE for all. All are already impure but God wants all in there and that is why he has sent his Son to make us pure by his blood. Heaven is Free for all, its just that, its not all who will take of the free gift offered ( John 5: 40).

            Please, please, please i kindly beg you with everything i have, let the world hear the good news that heaven is free. People are already in bondage, what they need is freedom and God has offered it to all men. Lets tell them, after all there is soooo much eternal life, why should not all have it. When they come for the life and receive it, then we can talk about: walking in the light and in holiness and in purity and like Christ. But even then, all that is still by grace(Philippians 2: 13)

            Have read Romans 6- Its talking to people who are already in Christ anaaaa?)

            I think we are in the same book, just that we are sharing different pages. I am at chapter 1 and you are at chapter 2. 🙂

            we cool…..:)?

          • Mercedes says:

            @Ama..good job.
            @ Kwadjo and Abusuame I have some gifts for you gentlemen…how do I get them to you

  10. abusuame says:

    I find your very last comments thoughtful. For two reasons:
    First, you do not qualify for hell and you do not have the right to go to hell. Why? Because Heaven has been opened for all and it’s free to enter. I am sure your great writing skills will be needed up there.(You may look at 2nd Timothy 1: 10,- eternal life has been given to all men, 1st Timothy 2:4,- God sincerely doesn’t want anyone to go to hell, 2nd Peter 3:9- more evidence that God loves you).
    Second, i do not know the background for the statement but if its related to the discussion above, then please sex won’t take you to hell, before, during or after marriage(one thing though, you will not get it in heaven.).If someone err told you because of sex you will go to hell tell him or her “true that, surely fornicators and adulterers will not get to heaven, and many times cannot stop “doing it” like you have hinted… but it’s because of people like us that Jesus came to die (you may want to refer to Luke 5: 23 and 1st Timothy 1:15) – He wants to save us and cleans us for heaven (Hebrews 7:25). There is real power in the blood (not the one that comes during the “diaper season”) — the one that was shed once and for all for you and i…
    That, my Ghanaian burger, is what we call the good news…..
    That said, does God like us greasing every hole we find…not at all, not because he is a kill joy, but because he loves us and we are his temple and our bodies his properties and yes, it takes a “man” to control the little man down. And even with all the feminist tendencies, most women will appreciate a man who sticks to one hole- their hole and a man who is faithful… (Who doesn’t like faithfulness)
    cheers man and God loves you more than you can imagine…. am sure you know that…. .

    • Kwadjo Panyin says:

      Thanks for your comment and feedback, Sir. I enjoyed how you shared your thoughts about my views on heaven and hell. I laughed at the way you weaved my past writings into your comment :). Again, I appreciate the thought and support

    • nana says:

      I like this one, preacher… GOD BLESS YOU

    • Ama says:

      Wow… I remember Jesus telling a woman caught in adultery to “go and sin no more”? God certainly loves the sinner but if He wanted him to stay in his sin, would it have been necessary to put Jesus through all that torture? No matter how much we try to explain things away to suite our own desires, God standards will not change. Please let’s not twist scripture

  11. ange otoo says:

    Write comment wise saying there.do like real people.really touched my heart.God bless you.

  12. Christine (Aqua) says:

    Hahaha, well I think this club is usually well advised to stick to their lane. Something to do with yoking!

  13. Maureen Mav says:

    You are simply amazing

  14. Liz says:

    This was a very interesting read. I laughed at the ending. I sure will remember you in prayers

  15. Preacher says:

    Welcome to the age moral decay. Even tradition doesn’t accept this view how much Christian values.All these human arguments are flawed with selfishness,lust and lack of self control. Repent!!!!

  16. Sonie Jay says:

    Of a truth this as to reach the necessary reading, I love that phrase “find someone of you like minded circle individual. We are all human,the way I can handle my urge can not be compared to others. Your piece is not taking you to hell my dear writer, your deed do and your commune with God. You are just bring realist, well,to the guys who screw other people supposed wife who latter run to church for a devoted pure virgin or the second virgin. Well,God is actually there watching the likes of men messing things up.

  17. Alam says:

    lovely piece! well said…
    i cn’t agree more!

  18. Abbs says:

    Eiiii!! We hear u oo, we will pray for you during our next all night session ???. Great read??

  19. Ama Bampoh says:

    Nice piece Kwadjo Panyin

  20. Vincent says:

    I love this piece. It is so on point especially after my friends and I just discussed an issue of a dude who has started having sex with a church member because his girlfriend is a member of the ‘no sex before marriage’ club.
    You didn’t mince words and we must all conclude on which club we are in and stick to it. ‘Cross-clubbing’ is disastrous.

  21. Vincent Casper says:

    I love this piece. It is so on point especially after my friends and I just discussed an issue of a dude who has started having sex with a church member because his girlfriend is a member of the ‘no sex before marriage’ club.
    You didn’t mince words and we must all conclude on which club we are in and stick to it. ‘Cross-clubbing’ is disastrous.

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