Sex, Coffee & Attachment Anxieties: A Year In The Life Of An African Bachelor

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I love sex and coffee and I have attachment anxiety issues.

Seeking a committed relationship wasn’t on the list of my top priorities in 2017.  The thing is, I’m single but abstinence isn’t a realistic option for me.

Casual sex is likely to happen along the way if one is seeking a committed relationship anyway so why not embrace it?

I don’t want to start by bragging but 2017 has been a busy year for me from a casual sex standpoint. I’ve had loads of casual sex and drank an obscene amount of blended coffee and Frappuccino from Starbucks.

I’m on a first name basis with all the baristas at my favorite Starbucks joint and I’ve gained intimate knowledge about all the brewed and iced coffee, the frappuccinos, the expressos,  and the delicious breakfast items.  I can’t say the same thing about women because I’m still none the wiser about what women want.

Sex, by definition, is the opposite of casual because it’s the most intimate thing two humans can do. Here’s the thing, I’ve wanted more of the sex this year and needed less of the emotional connection.

My last serious relationship ended in December of 2015. By serious, I mean we dated for over 8 months. I remained single throughout 2016 but as one of my exes recently pointed out; being single doesn’t mean I was not sexually active. She was absolutely right.

Ironically, 2016 was the year I decided to give love a chance and date more but it turned out to be a total disaster.

With that, I entered 2017 mentally and emotionally wrecked with a severe attachment anxiety.

My conflict was to figure out how to strike the balance of being single while not reducing myself to just a tool and a f**k boy. Turns out, the conflict was a non-issue.

There is no escaping the fact that sex complicates things but somehow, I managed to have casual sex with minimal complications. The reason was simple really; I ended up mostly with women who had attachment issues because I had attachment anxieties myself.  Misery does love the company of its peers.

It’s quite understandable why many singles don’t want to give up sex entirely while looking for that one true love. After all, finding “the one” might take a while for some of us and we have needs.

The only bummer about not having a stable relationship is not having constant sex. The good news is, there is a solution called casual sex. Casual sex, however, is a temporary Band-Aid.

When casual sex starts to turn into friends with benefits, it’s great for a short period, but it has an expiration date. At some point, it either needs to progress or stop on its own.

Being single has its perks. I like my autonomous decision-making power, I like not having to share my bed, I keep most of my cash for the most part, I like to leave the seat on my throne up and occasionally, I like to walk around my place in my birthday suit.  You get to be as selfish as you want without having to answer to anyone but yourself.

Does it get lonely? Heck yes!  However, I’ll choose loneliness over the visceral misery which comes with ending up with the wrong person in a marriage.

So far, I will describe my romantic life in 2017 as weird, bleak and totally chaotic to say the least.  My sexuality, however, has been in overdrive and almost everything I’ve done has been in excess.  I became romantically interested in lots of women this year. Lots of women became romantically interested in me. I’ve never had a year with this level of love interests.

I was busy having sex with people I didn’t really like.  I was also busy being reckless and letting some women I did not like fall for me without making too much of an effort to stop them.  My attachment anxiety lights were flipped on and fully operational.

I ended up with two short-lived relationships but remained single for the most part this year. I’ve carried the single status title but there were times I wasn’t really sure if I was single or not. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?  Well, the chaos I managed to muster with my attachment anxiety issues had the scourge of distorted reality as a side effect.

One aspect of my incorrigible dating life was crystal clear to me. I knew I was sick and tired of all the work which comes with dating.  Dating is a lot of work. Trying to date requires effort, time and attention not to mention a crapload of cash.

Texting a new love interest, the same getting to know you questions, explaining my crappy dating history over and over, sharing pictures and answering the same mundane questions about my life and work.

The conversation banter is relentless, emotionally draining and requires an immense amount of energy.  This level of work is largely uncompensated but now and then, the no-strings-attached sex happens. Yayyyyyy!

Forging a connection and intimacy with a someone you like and want to date can be exhausting in itself, not to mention getting hurt, ignored, rejected or worse, getting dumped or dumping someone.  All I really wanted this year was to take a break from the craziness and the work.

With all the casual sex I’ve had this year, I’m beginning to wonder if dating is overrated.

I took a nonchalant approach to dating in 2017 and I’ve made minimal efforts to get into a relationship.  The evidence of my poor attitude towards dating is out there.

I’ve had a few women complain about my poor responses to text messages or my lack thereof returning calls.

The complaints from some women I talk to about the difficulties in trying to figure out if I was romantically interested in them or not grew louder this year.

I’ve gained a new found respect for women who lingered around despite my poor attitude towards dating. Most of these women approached me with a ‘Savior” mindset. Perhaps they were hoping my attachment anxieties will dissipate eventually when they put in the effort.

Laying siege hoping I was going to wave the white flag and give up my bachelor status was a total waste of time.

It’s almost December and as I take stock of this year, I recognize that I’ve gone about dating all wrong. My attachment anxieties are still present but not as strong as earlier on in the year.

I am not proud of myself and I feel ugly sometimes. I am lucky that anyone wanted to talk to me at all and I am grateful for the ones who still hang around.

In 2017, I became a wildfire born out of frustration. I will free myself from these shackles eventually.  I will feel again so I can breathe again. Until then, I am a train wreck just waiting to happen.

It’s time to head over to Starbucks and grab a chestnut praline latte without the whipped cream.

My work here in 2017 is done.

By Kwadjo Panyin

Author: Kwadjo Panyin

Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.

24 Comments

  1. U know u re fucked up. right? Hahahaha

  2. My favorite paragraph .

    “Being single has its perks. I like my autonomous decision-making power, I like not having to share my bed, I keep most of my cash for the most part, I like to leave the seat on my throne up and occasionally, I like to walk around my place in my birthday suit. You get to be as selfish as you want without having to answer to anyone but yourself.”

  3. Seli Q'gah says:

    Does it mean,no more sex until 2018?

    You said it oo
    Go back and read

  4. Writing about the realities ,everyone refuses to discuss! Keep it up dear.I want more!

  5. Shiru Matere you got to read this… and understand why am a ” con”

  6. Deep things. Cool write up

  7. Truth is bitter his truth your opinions.

  8. Masenga Sailewu,you should read this.

  9. You are not serious man,

  10. Sorry buddy there’s no free lunch. Some girl’s fada is gonna get you one of these cosy days. Drink coffee and try to sleep alone

  11. Velisa says:

    Interesting

  12. All this English just to tell us you are crazy . Ayam Out.

  13. Ni vizuri tuambiane ukweli

  14. My favourite paragraph :

    “Does it get lonely? Heck yes! However, I’ll choose loneliness over the visceral misery which comes with ending up with the wrong person in a marriage.”

  15. Wow that’s as honest as it gets! I feel like you just bared yours soul to us! Incredible!!!

  16. Sincere and interesting .
    “Body no be firewood ” .

  17. Kweku Asiedu Darko says:

    Big ups bro.you just summed up my 2017 just without the coffee bit.

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