My Pen is Up & Wants To Talk To You

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My pen is a douchebag! Yeah, I know you heard me down there. I don’t really give a crap if your feelings are hurt.

My pen is staring at the floor in shame now as I speak.  He has been very naughty as always. What a total loser?!

My pen is a good boy.  No, I take that back.  He used to be a good boy when we were little.  We barely saw each other or played around.

My pen is a big boy now and he can move around on his own so he thinks he is the boss.  All he wants to do is come out and play all the time.  No game is off limit when my pen is excited.  Should I leave him alone, he’d play hide and seek, stick and withdraw and slip and slide all day.

My pen is one to talk too. He scolds me sometimes. One day he asked; “You think life is rough for you, huh?  You put a plastic bag over my head all the time, suffocate me and force me to do push-ups in the dark until I throw up.  Don’t think for one second that you are better than me!” Ouch! I felt the knife in my back on that one.

My pen is always trying to steer me into trouble.  He tells me all the time; “Bro, look at all those pretty girls.  Let go play nookie with all of them. It’s okay, they all think you are cute so grow a spine and let’s go get some!”  Arhhhhhh!

My pen is wicked sometimes.  On a few occasions, he refused to rise to the occasion when I needed him the most. “Get up!” I will scream and plead. “Please just this one time. Wake up!  “Go away!” He yells back at me. “I am sleeping and can’t come out to play. Tell your friend to come back tomorrow!”

My pen is reasonable or so he thinks. Every time he lets me down, he comes at me with the same excuse which goes like this; ‘Bro, I am sorry I let you down last night.  I promise it will never happen again.  I just got stage fright but this is your fault too.  You always keep me standing for hours and I need a break.  You try standing on your feet for a long period of time and see how it feels like.”  Shaking my damn head!

My pen is one with zero patience.  Every time I meet a pretty girl,  I make plans to get to know her as a friend first.  That idiot has no such plans.  He ruins everything for me because he wants to go in and poke around almost immediately. Totally annoying!

My pen is an innocent bystander after he destroys my carefully laid plans and causes me to make horrible decisions.  All he does is stare at the floor again in shame after he messes up.  He thinks I am buying his act but he has no idea I am on to him.

My pen is always harassing me.  Every time I walk by a pretty woman,  he nudges me.  “Hey, look at her.  Oh, look over there.  How about this one? How about that one?  He is like a kid in a candy store and he drives me nuts!!

My pen is my worst nightmare and a useless friend but I can never leave him.  I am always telling him to slow his roll and not act so desperate but the idiot never listens.

My pen is the one to blame for all my troubles.  He puts me into all kinds of dark places and into all kinds of trouble.  Every time he yells;  “Cover me, I’m going in!”  I know it will not always end well.  Well, sometimes we both come away very happy so let me cut him some slack.

My pen is totally deaf.  He complains all the time; day and night.  “It’s too hot in here!”  “My jugglers are rubbing against each other.”  “Take me out, I can’t breathe in here.”  “I need some fresh air.”  “Where is our lady friend?  Why hasn’t she held my hand for days?”  “I’m too dry.  Find me some moisture so I can cool off.”  I am sick and tired of his whining!

My pen is only afraid of one thing;  Teeth!!  He hates plastic also but he is not afraid of it.  Thank goodness!!  “I look so funny with a plastic hoodie over my head!” he jokes sometimes.  Hey, at least he has a sense of humor.

My pen is always hard and I need him to chill!

My pen is totally ruining my life!  I am assuming total control from now on.  Then again, I have tried to assume total control for years with nothing to show for my efforts so who am I kidding?!

My pen is now laughing all the way to the bedroom.  He’s got jokes, that one!

Ugh!!

 

By Kwadjo Panyin

Author: Kwadjo Panyin

Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.

6 Comments

  1. Ditta says:

    I’m crying with laughter. Thats all I can say about this blog!!!

  2. Cindy Dela says:

    What about now buddy?

  3. Aurelia Deku says:

    You are stuck with your frnd for life…. Lol

  4. Doris Armah says:

    Hahahaha what a “sacarstic pen”

  5. Your Pen_is your true friend!

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