I was having a relaxing Saturday evening lounging on my couch with a glass of Chardonnay until Efe Plange ruined it all for me. Not cool, Efe, not cool at all!
Scrolling through my timeline, I came across Efe’s article titled “Marriage-Material” May No Longer Be A Compliment. After reading it twice, I grabbed my laptop and headed to a coffee shop to write a response.
Efe’s original article can be found here:
Please try to read the original article before reading or commenting on my response. Efe has eloquently stated her opinions about what men and society consider as “marriage-material. I felt it necessary to state my thoughts and views on this subject from a male’s perspective. I also speak from the standpoint of a bachelor who is in a position to settle on a woman and get married in the near future. (Did I say that out loud?)
Efe writes and I quote; “Majority of society believe that there are indeed two kinds of women: those we only date (whores)and those we ‘honor’ through marriage (marriage-worthy). What this loosely translates into is that, this same majority agree or think that it is okay for some women to be deceived, disrespected, hurt, abused emotionally, physically and psychologically, and then the opposite of such treatment reserved for the ones we marry.”
I totally agree that there are two kinds of women in the relationship space as described by Efe. There is definitely a notable issue with men who date some women just for short-term gains only to marry another they believe is more worthy as a wife.
I will, however, argue that the choices men have to make between the two kinds of women are not always as clear-cut or definite. In essence, an evolved man can bring both kinds of women home to meet his family and proceed with the marriage.
As brutally clichéd as this may sound, I truly believe that both kinds of women can be “marriage-material” and the terminology itself does not make sense to most men who are evolved in the 21st century.
A man may recognize the “whores,” so to speak as well as the conservative or marriage-worthy kind of women, however, he does not automatically turn to the marriage-worthy woman to ask for her hand in marriage. Allow me to elaborate on my point.
First of all, most evolved men recognize that we live in a far more advanced age. Gone were the days when you could not have a boyfriend until you were 24 or 25 years of age. It’s 2017 and it is acceptable for women to start dating at the age of 18. That said, more women will most likely have multiple sex partners before they meet their ideal husband years later.
Given this fact, the chances of women being exposed to partners who deceive, disrespect and hurt them emotionally increases. It is certainly true that some women choose a lifestyle which exposes them to abuse but the majority fall victim to the lustful ways of some men.
Most evolved men of today are more understanding and accepting of women who have been disrespected, hurt, abused emotionally and physiologically.
Drawing on my own experiences, I continue to meet women as young as 23 with 3 to 5 sexual partners already on their resumes. Some men may believe that it’s okay to abuse young and vulnerable women or exploit them for their needs and render them not suitable for marriage.
There is a majority of other men out there, however, myself included, who believe that these women are victimized and should not be punished and labeled as not suitable for marriage.
The women who escape victimization and receive better treatment from men are not always the ones most men reserve for marriage.
“Most men are not marrying the love of their lives, they are marrying an idea of a wife.”
This quote was a line in Efe’s article I wanted to explore and discuss after I read it. I understand the notion of marrying an “idea” of a wife but I want to state that the reference to men looking for an “already-made” woman is only true to a certain extent. Some of us do not look at the ideal women in terms of an “idea.” We view the ideal woman in terms of attributes we will like to see or experience.
On a recent trip to Ghana, I met with a group of fellow bachelors for a night out on the town. It was a mixed group of guys who live abroad and some who live in Ghana. The major topic of discussion that evening was women; no surprises there.
Over dinner, we had a serious discussion about where to find the “ideal” wife. The discussion somehow veered into the qualities and attributes we look for in women we want to marry. I should mention that this discussion was being held by a group of evolved men.
By the end of the discussion, we all agreed on the three key attributes we found relevant in an ideal woman we want to marry. The three attributes were:
Women we can have amazing and frequent sex with.
Women who can offer us a peace of mind.
Let’s take a look at sex first. One cannot underestimate the important role sex plays in a marriage to a man. I am not referring to the routine regular type of sex either; I am talking about the ability to be spontaneous, adventurous in some cases and keeping an open mind.
Most men understand that sex in a marriage with one person can become mundane after several years. A woman’s ability to be opened minded about spicing up the marriage sex is, therefore, a key attribute for my friends and I.
On a personal note, I have met women who slept with me within hours of our first meeting. There was a woman I went to pick up for a date and we never made it out of her apartment that night before her clothes came off. Even though the sex was amazing, I remember thinking to myself; this is not the type of girl I want to marry.
On the other hand, I also dated a “God-fearing” conservative women who was sweet and good to me. The trouble was, our sex life was crappy. I wanted sex all the time and I wanted us to be spontaneous but all the planets had to align properly before she will agree to have sex.
She will not have sex with me on Sundays either. It was ridiculous! I missed church one Sunday and the week after, she was never in the mood to have sex because she was mad at me for missing church. I thought to myself, I can never marry a girl like that.
It goes without saying that a man believes he has hit the jackpot should he find a woman he can have amazing sex with, a woman who will give him his peace of mind and is also very independent.
Going back to my earlier discussion, the datable women or whores, in my opinion, make better marriage sex partners over the conservative “God-fearing” ones.
A peace of mind means different things to different men. Speaking generally, if you leave things up to a man, he will be very much okay with the simple things in life. Men are simple creatures contrary to popular beliefs and in most marriages, men want the bare minimum.
For us, everything is black and white and life is seamless until the simple pleasures we enjoy is destabilized. A woman typically brings emotions to a man’s life and there is nothing wrong with that. However, being highly emotional is something most men do not understand very well and his peace of mind can be poached.
The brain of a man is wired differently and we compartmentalize situations in life. Women are very much like a web and they connect everything and everything has to have a meaning.
For example, a man may be used to watching the football game on Sunday afternoons. If a woman complains during the game the man is paying more attention to the game instead of her, his peace of mind goes out the window.
Independence in a woman is sexy to most evolved men. An independent woman may also mean different things to different men but the characteristics are the same. (I am sure Efe will smile after reading the next statement). An evolved man sees an independent woman as an individual person with her own thoughts and feelings.
An independent woman does not need a man or anyone for that matter, to speak for her. She is confident with her own voice, stance in life, her choices, needs and she is not shy about letting herself be heard.
An evolved man knows that relationships aren’t about spending all the time with someone who follows your lead and constantly agrees with you. He knows that finding a woman who is a partner in life will make him a better person and open his eyes to new perspectives.
Personally, I look for an independent woman who is self-reliant, a strong-minded free thinker and someone who is open to traveling the world with me and learning about different cultures.
Efe’s article is food for thought for those of us who believe this social injustice towards women is prevalent and needs to be discussed in today’s society.
There is always room for improvement for both parties and I am a firm believer in that statement.
By Kwadjo Panyin
Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.