In Bed With Married Couples: My Experience In Hawaii

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A few months ago,  I wrote a blog titled “Marriage, what’s the point?”  This blog was molded and sculptured at the height of my cynicism about marriage.

The clay for the cynicism was easy to find.  One too many friends rushing from exchanging vows at the altar to a judge’s bench pleading their cases for a divorce.

One too many female friends leaving husbands who fathered kids outside the marriage.  One too many male relatives cheating horribly on their unsuspecting wives.

One too many married friends bitterly complaining about a lack of independence and a peace of mind.  One too many married women coming my way soliciting affairs.  The clay for my healthy cynicism was everywhere.

My visit to Hawaii changed my mind about marriage.  Well,  I should say I’ve arrived at a new perspective about marriage;  one I wasn’t ready for nor expected.

I’ve traveled to dozens of places and countries alone and I’ve done just fine.  My cynicism about marriage never leaves my side.  While in Hawaii this week, however,  I could not get my cynicism about marriage to fire up.

Hawaii is for lovers,  a fact I realized the second I stepped off my flight in Honolulu.

There were honeymooners everywhere.  Married couples celebrating their anniversaries were everywhere.  Couples on their way to get married on the many picturesque destinations on the island were everywhere.

A perfect masala of marriages in various stages and in all its finery.

Ironically,  this medley of marriage should have fueled my cynicism.  Why then can’t my skepticism about marriage fire up in this place?

When I tell people I’ve spent 4 decades on this earth,  happily single and not sure if I want to get married again or have more children,  they respond one of two ways.  Most of the time they smile in a patronizing way and tell me,

“You’ll definitely change your mind one day.”

Others take me seriously in which case, they warn,

“You’ll regret it when you get much older and there is no one around.”

So I felt a little sheepish every time a couple asked if I was on vacation alone.  It’s embarrassing to give people a chance to ask, “What’s wrong?”

It’s more embarrassing when others have a chance to say;  “I have a friend or a sister who will be perfect for you.”

Earlier this year,  I met and started dating someone.  Our relationship started out strong just like most do in the beginning.

We became friends for a few months, followed by a dating period,  followed by intoxicating intimacy,  followed by my doubts about the sustainability of the relationship.

I can recall very clearly a moment as we sat down to talk about breaking up.  She looked at me sadly and said,  “You really are 99% of what I’m looking for.  I just can’t seem to figure out what’s missing.  I can’t seem to figure what exactly you want.”

In her defense, the poor handling of my skepticism was enough for her to question if I was marriage-worthy.  My inability to make a strong,  final choice and stick with it was glaring.

So here I am in the middle of people who have made a strong and final choice,  knew the consequences and had accepted it.

I know some of the couples I’ve met in Hawaii are not going to make it.  However,  I could not bring myself to go down that thought process.

How could I in the midst of dozens of couples who were out here celebrating 10 years, 20 years, 30 years and 40 years of marriage?

I fear I’m letting down too many women by subjecting them to an extra smidge of condescending doubt. Worse, if I hear the word marriage too soon,  I feel a pinch of condescension myself.

I’ve found the process of falling for someone new exhilarating.  Then again, I’ve also found my independence and singleness to be exhilarating.  In Hawaii,  I have found myself morphing into someone I wouldn’t have recognized a few months ago.

My transformation is not starting with a sudden lust for marriage and a longing for domesticity.  It began, weirdly enough, when my cynicism failed to be triggered in a sea of people who have made a commitment to matrimony.

I don’t mean to imply that marriage is bad due to my cynicism.  As happy as I am for all these couples,  I’m by nature a glass half empty type of person.

Like most writers, I’m given to bouts of anxiety and skepticism.  I am introverted,  impatient sometimes and easily undone by the burdens of societal norms.

For too long I’d imagined marriage as a suffocating never-ending fight over the remote,  what to eat,  skirmishes with the in-laws and relatives,  fights over finances, endless outings with other couples and boring weekend family events.

Prior to Hawaii,  I had three visions of my future.  One involved finding a companion who shared my cynicism about marriage but still needed love in her life just like I did.

Another involved a dope bachelor pad in Los Angeles, a dog, a BMW and my Apple laptop.  The last vision was one where I succumb to marital bliss,  a few kids running around,  PTA meetings,  family dinners, a mini-van,  weekend soccer practices and changing diapers.

One of those visions is already a daily reality for me but without the dog.

Hawaii has me thinking maybe we all need those rose-colored marital glasses all those honeymooners and couples celebrating anniversaries are wearing after all.

The new perspective I have on marriage has more to do with an acknowledgment of the courage those who have taken the leap of faith wield.  Maybe courage is not the right word I’m looking for but its close enough.

Maybe, what I actually need for marital bliss is just a touch of ignorance, some gin and juice for liquid courage and more trips to Hawaii.

I guess it’s time to find someone to join me on my next trip to Hawaii.

By Kwadjo Panyin

Author: Kwadjo Panyin

Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.


  1. nana atiemo says:

    i am always enthused and get excited when i read your articles . honestly i am learning a lot from you. you the man

  2. Interesting writeup,being single has its up and down likewise in marriage. Its all about being urself and respecting each others uniqueness.

  3. Ronnie Em says:

    Not to be a doubting Thomas but all my married friends have Rocky marriages, which really doesn’t inspire confidence for us singles…

  4. Kerry Ken says:

    Interesting. Will like to b married to someday

  5. Walker says:

    Well, I thought Jessica is great for you. She’s kinda matured and have fantastic exposure. If you haven’t asked her out, please do. Cheers good luck.

  6. Vivian Kadu says:

    Just look at how lonely he is

  7. You always make me smile when I read your blogs! True talk paaa… I think the key is that you find that someone who will not say marry me on date number 3… and that person will be someone who you genuinely don’t mind hanging out with in silence, laughter or tears, or something like that … there is no right path or answer… good to find yourself somewhere in the middle

  8. Hussein GH says:

    I simply love this

  9. Getting married has always been on my mind since my teenage years. I have only spent just 2decades and a year in this planet but you won’t believe the number of books and seminars I have attended just to build myself towards being a good wife. But I just realized that no matter how much you try he will still walk away if he wishes. My greatest fear in this life is divorce

  10. I couldn’t help but read everything. You’re gifted with writing, my dear. Abeg get married quick. Invite me to sing for you but let it be in Hawaii oo. Lol

  11. Alamu Philip says:

    Do you have to spam us with your pictures?

  12. Honest and inspiring read. I like the fact that though there’s so much negative vibe
    about marriage there are those who are staying commited and enjoying upto their 10th or 20th anniversary. 👍

  13. As for today I really like yr article. Hmmn. Seems like there’s going to be a fresh start in someone’s like..cos now he’s beginning to understand certain things..

  14. There is a difference when our marriages are God centered. This means that the couple have a personal relationship with God and are faithful to each other.

  15. Son Endie says:

    Marriage was never man’s idea but the Creator’s. Executing the Creator’s idea outside of His guidelines us what gets many into trouble. That it is God’s idea does not insulate the institution from challenges but His guidelines, if followed help tackle those challenges. Somewhere in your write up you, wittingly or unwittingly captured the whole essence of marriage: make a commitment, realize and accept the consequences of that commitment. That’s LOVE.

  16. I fear I’m letting down too many women by subjecting them to an extra smidge of condescending doubt. Worse, if I hear the word marriage too soon, I feel a pinch of condescension myself…. for once I thought I was the one saying this!!!

  17. Hope u don’t get to go alone on ur next trip. All the best

  18. Which places did you touch base in Hawai please?? Thinking about visiting

  19. Betty Messo says:

    …so’s a leap of faith n a risk 2 spend rest of us life wid one person! It’s gud wen wid the rite person n it’s ordained by God

  20. Mz nunyaa says:

    So,what makes you think your spouse or partner won’t ever die?ofcourse! There’s that possibility,kojo panyin has mastered the skillful art of living alone, if he changes his mind about marriage,fine. Otherwise,its no big deal.

  21. And thus, the journey begins…..

  22. Theresa Amoah says:

    Wooow this is interesting. Thk God for this revelation…………

  23. Grace Favour says:

    Hmmmmmm No matter how influecial you are,that vacuum of companionship will be missing especially to the person you have affection for, I pray you meet God ordained woman for you in Jesus name.Good luck bro.

  24. LoL giving the Ladies adrenalin rush now..tsk tsk.. whatever the case I can relate to being 4 decades, single. (and Aquarius) Aloha

  25. Marriage used to be something I had very positive attitude towards. I had some sense of respect and value for it until just recently.
    On my birthday this year, I decided to stay awake all night and think about certain things.
    Should I say I was disappointed? No, maybe I was surprised… I have way too much trust issues and I definitely don’t think I can put myself at risk to trust someone.. Of course I in particular haven’t had an affair with a married woman but I have friends who are spending quick afternoons in hotels with married women and lately the rate at which divorce is climbing up everyday over the internet. I follow some relationship talks pages on instagram and reading a lot on ladies who are in a relationship yet sleeping with some older men for financial reasons. And married women complaining about how they are having an affair with some guy and they want to leave thier husband or they need people to advise them on how to ignore “the other guy”.
    And then it comes down to the number of ladies right here on Facebook who post very beautiful pictures of thier boyfriend yet as time goes on, we end up getting intimate a couple of times. What amazes me most is how they are able to talk to the guy and tell them a very nice story for the guy to not suspect anything. In reality, I have dated close to 30 ladies and I can tell you for a fact, the luckiest man on earth is one who has not yet seen what his partner is doing behind him. So long as you haven’t seen it, i think you are safe. The most amazing part is, I take my relationship very serious but then, the moment you are out of my sight, I do not picture myself in a relationship anymore. Because I have witnessed the game women play and you definitely can’t be any different. So yeah in my opinion, I’d just be with someone, be together as long as we want. Of course you’re free to do whatever you want because even if I give you that space or not, you will do what you want. But then we won’t waste time going through that unnecessary marriage crap. We will just have our relationship, have kids and raise them together. If you want to put a ring on your finger, I will give u the money so you can get one for yourself. But basically we will be in a relationship forever. That way, I pretty much have a very low expectation of whether or not you will be faithful.

  26. M.Amponsah says:


  27. Cizoe Poetry says:


  28. U always inspire and on point. Wish u well in ur search for love and I pray it last this time.

  29. Opmens Lily says:

    Your stories are never boring

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