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A myriad of questions float through the mind of a single person before the start of a relationship. When to have sex with a new love interest is one of the topmost questions, quite so, that it sets the mind of a single person in a tizzy.
“Should I wait a month or three? “
“Should I wait after we are engaged or married? “
Most men do not have a timeline as to when sex needs to happen in a new relationship. Men are like Everready batteries in the sex arena. We are ready to go at the drop of a hat. We, however, lose the drive to commit if a woman sleeps with us too quickly. It is highly unlikely for a man to look at you after a one-night stand and entertain the idea, let alone declare, “I have to marry you!”
I have found that most of the time, women control the timeline on when sex happens at the start of a relationship . That said, it should not be a surprise to anyone that almost every woman has a different timeline. Most African women believe in holding back sex for as long as possible. They worry about appearing too “loose” or too “easy” too early and prefer to wait until there is a firm commitment in place from a man.
Personally, I believe sex should start after commitment and monogamy are firmly in place, and after both parties are comfortable with the idea of having it. Commitment usually occurs after you really get to know someone and so thus raises the question of how long it really takes to get to know someone you are dating. This question is by no means an easy one to answer. Getting to know someone on a romantic level occurs in a number of stages.
First of all, when we are trying to attract someone at the beginning of a relationship, there is some pretense. Most of us turn into a bunch of big, fat freaking liars! We project some sort of idealized image; an image of a successful, happy and well-rounded person with no issues. We emphasize what we think is desirable about ourselves and we tend to mold ourselves to fit the image the other person is looking for. In the early stages, most of us are really only operating on half-truths and false pretenses. Having sex at this stage can spell major disaster for both parties.
Most studies suggest that you either develop true chemistry or not after three months of intensive dating. You still do not know each other after three months, but it is fair to say that you should have a pretty good idea of what the other person is about. Both of you should have enough information to form a general impression in order to decide whether a commitment is imminent or to cut your losses and make a run for the hills.
I am in no way suggesting that the third month is the magic stage to start having sex. Some will have time for intensive dating during those first three months while others will be lucky if they get to squeeze in three dates within the same time frame; especially in a world where work , life, and sometimes distance gets in the way. What I will recommend is for both parties to be at a place where they know each other well enough and are willing to commit to a serious relationship.
I will suggest that both parties have a conversation and find out what each believes is an acceptable time to know each other before having sex. This conversation could minimize miscues and unnecessary arguments.
Here is the reality though. Most timelines discussed at the beginning of a relationship tend to be worthless. It only takes an evening of some fine wine, a romantic movie, heavy making out and before you know it; you are mopping the floor with each other.
She knows very well that kissing the neck and chest area, is a catalyst for rising excitement, and at some point resistance is very likely to fly out the window. Yet when it starts, she is rendered defenseless against such force and sadly the timeline goes “bye-bye.” He is allowed to have you because you want him too at that point. You cannot wait to be consumed by your lust for each other so you go all the way.
He knows well that the hour-glass shape is what caused his neck to turn the first time he laid eyes on her. He has fantasized about what lies beneath her clothes many times. He has “banged” her in every imaginable position in his daydreams and fantasies. It not her fault that the miniskirt or dress gets him over excited every time she comes to his place. Let’s blame that on biology. He cannot endure the agony of the pain from blue balls for too long. Every time an opportunity to make out presents itself, they go further and further. He keeps pushing and pushing to see how far she will let him go until ultimately, he slips in.
Oh those waist-beads!! Mmmm! I have a deep love-hate relationship with them. Waist-beads are the one thing most African men love more than soccer. Women sometimes do not fully realize the sex appeal of waist-beads. Women know the beads enhance the sexual experience but some do not understand that it drives us absolutely nuts! The sight and feel of waist-beads sends a hot-blooded African man to the seventh heavens!! Exercising self-control becomes a herculean task. Ladies, kindly go easy on the waist-beads when working with a timeline to have sex. Help the brothers out by leaving them off until it is time to discover the wonders that lie beneath the waist-beads.
Oh well, life happens, right? However, if you are truly looking for love and a long-term committed relationship, it is wise to wait until you truly know each other and are certain that you want to be with each other and no one else.
If you are both seriously committed to the relationship, waiting can make you feel more comfortable with each other and having sex can psychologically seal the bond you share. It makes it easy to declare that the person is yours for keeps. On the other hand, if you are good at selecting awful people to date, you might want to consider not sleeping with them too soon. You run the risk of getting brokenhearted, feeling humiliated, wasting your time or even catching the most dreadful diseases. A word to the wise……..!!
Please share your experiences on this subject. Have you been able to stick with agreed timelines to have sex or have you faltered?
Author: Kwadjo Panyin
Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.