I have a rather controversial subject to tackle. I would like to make it clear from the start that I am merely giving my opinions on this contentious subject.
So! Here it goes. I personally have a love hate relationship with toys. Well, should I say it depends on the toy in question perhaps? I do not mind some handcuffs every now and then. A blindfold to spice things up never hurts.
There was a point in time when I became enamored with a fantasy door swing. I felt that I had to incorporate it someway, somehow otherwise I was not going to achieve the full satisfaction that I craved. You got it, I had some pretty wild times! Pretend not that you didn’t either.
Most men are cool with some toys until girls only toys like a selfie poker or a buzzer are introduced. If toys have been a part of your sex arsenal, you will know that introducing your partner to the trusted “friend” can be very awkward. It can be equated to introducing your new man to an ex that he knows you never really got over. Talk of a jealousy inducing encounter!
Introducing a toy into a sexual routine can elicit certain anxieties and insecurities in some men, myself included. “Is this selfie poker going to replace me?” most of us will wonder. The level of insecurities reaches a peak when the toy is way bigger than what is packed down in the oven.
Unfortunately, our Maker did not fashion men with the ability to buzz. How on earth can we compete with a selfie poker?!
I recently had the honor of having dinner with a Ghanaian lady and her husband who is Caucasian. They told me a story about the biggest fight they had in their marriage. It goes that after he relented and allowed her to introduce a selfie poker into their sex life, she went out on her own and bought one.
Needless to say that when she whisked it out for his approval, the color matched her skin tone. To make matters worse, the selfie poker was bigger than what he had to offer.
I laughed so hard that his feathers got ruffled. As part of trading stories, I told them about how I used to steal the batteries from my ex-girlfriend’s buzzer when I had to leave her alone at home. And I hated the sight of batteries at this point in time!
We live in a world presently where Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele from Fifty Shades of Grey are out there reminding us that it is not enough to just assume the customary missionary and going on all fours position.
We live in a world where the only way you can add spice to the action is to incorporate all kinds of weird and wacky ideas and toys.
We live in a world where a single woman, or any woman for that matter, can take very good care of herself fully with a selfie poker or a buzzer. Like it or not, toys are here to stay.
Most men, myself included, have an open mind about having toys on the menu. Most in society view the use of a selfie poker or a buzzer as a solo activity. While this view is true, it is not always accurate. Most couples are becoming more comfortable using toys together.
A significant percentage of women rarely make it to the mountain top during sex therefore, there are some obvious advantages to adding a toy as part of the proceedings. That said, most women must know that there are three key thoughts that creep into the mind of most men when he becomes aware that you have a special friend by your bed.
Are you using your selfie poker or buzzer frequently when I am not around?
Am I getting lost in your space because your selfie poker occupies more real estate than I do?
Do you value your toy more than me?
If you think your partner is going to be nervous or reject your suggestion of using a toy, don’t pop it out immediately in the beginning. Start by broaching the topic little by little in non-sexual scenarios.
Do not present it as an all or nothing proposition. Nothing feels more like sexual pressure than a partner who says, “I can’t get off without my buzzer.”
You may have to tackle the fear your partner may have about you secretly using your toy without him. If you have to use it without him, it is best to be open with it and let him know. Discuss your rationale and figure out a path forward together. He may still not like it but at least he is aware.
I dated a girl once and crushingly found out 6 months later that she was still using her selfie poker. Prior to dating, she had been single for two years and had become addicted to it. The discovery was quite devastating and eventually led to a breakup.
Relying heavily on a toy draws from the closeness that sex can bring. There is a real hidden danger in becoming addicted to your toys but that is a whole new can of worms for a different blog.
Using a toy while single is totally fine. By all means, poke away!
However, when in a relationship, one has to be cognizance of the fact that sex is not supposed to be just about the needs of one partner. It supposed to be about both needs together.
Incorporating toys every now and then to spice things up is perfectly fine. Should there be an over reliance on toys, however, it will begin to feel more like using each other rather than sharing the experience together?
A selfie poker or a buzzer will never be a substitute for having great sex with an actual human being.
Think of your toy not as a replacement, but as a supplement to your awesome (not true in all cases) sex life.
By Kwadjo Panyin
Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.