After reading the title of this article;
30% of my female readers went like, “Heck Yeah” and they liked the article without even opening it
40% of my female readers went like, “So what? I already know all men are dogs” and did not open the article
30% of my female readers are reading now because they know I always drop a nugget here and there about the secret thoughts of men
80% of my male readers went like; “Here goes that idiot Kwadjo Panyin again! He is going to bash us.” They click on the article anyway because the ladies in the feature picture are sizzling
10% of my male reader went like; “Hell no! Who the heck does he think he is?!” They go directly to the comment section and start typing up defenses or insults without opening up the article
10% of my male readers are reading now and trying to decide if I am on point with how men act and behave
100% of me is going like; “I hope my girlfriend does not open this article should she see the title!”
A wise woman once declared; all men are dogs! Ouch! I felt that in my jugglers.
I have thought long and hard about this declaration. At this very moment, I am at a crossroad trying to decide if I should work on changing this perception or if I should just accept the declaration as the truth.
Who am I kidding, really? Declaring that men are dogs is a common disparagement of the brothers in the relationship environment.
Let’s dive in head first and tackle the issue, shall we? Oh groovy, this is going to start a riot! This subject is touchy and guaranteed to strike some painful nerves.
All men are not dogs but there is definitely a dog in every man!
The size and breed of the dog in every man determine the canine characteristics he will exibit. Some of the dogs in us are never satisfied with what we have. We want more of what we are not supposed to have. Just ask Eve; there’s nothing so desirable as the one thing you’re not allowed to have.
A man may have a puppy in him. Such a man will walk by a swimming pool full of pretty girls, get excited but he keeps it moving. He may be satisfied with the woman he has, a righteous man or he just does not need the drama.
A man may have a mid-size dog in him like a Beagle. Such a man will walk by a swimming pool full of pretty girls and circle back a few times to check out the women. He will stare, ogle maybe and flash a few smiles in their direction. He may strategize about how to approach but he is cautious. He will definitely linger around until he is convinced he can or cannot approach.
A man may have a big-size dog in him like a Saint Bernard. Such a man will not waste time to circle back or survey the scene. When he happens upon a bevy of pretty girls at the pool, he may pause for a micro second to check which one he wants to talk to first. He then walks directly towards them and dives in head first with the confidence of a king. He is determined to leave with a contact or two to fulfill his big-size dog quota.
I am not a puppy neither am I a Saint Bernard. However, I must confess that a skinny model looking woman sometimes brings out the big-size dog in me. Okay, let’s get back to more serious matters.
So what exactly is the cheater’s dilemma I speak of? A cheater faces two dilemmas, and both come in the form of a question. Let’s check the first question, shall we?
Unlike the second question which I will discuss later, this one is hardly asked by women. I have been caught cheating a couple of times in the past but none of the women who discovered my indiscretions asked me this question.
Before I reveal the question, let me share a personal story of a couple I assisted with an infidelity issue. Ato (not his real name) is a friend of mine who is married to Akua (not her real name either). They started having major problems after Akua discovered Ato cheating.
Ato bought a new phone and forgot to change his settings not to display message notifications on the screen when the phone is locked. Come on, Ato!! That was a dumb move and you violated rule #5 of the Cheaters code.
A message came across and Akua just happened to glance at it. It read; “You f*#ked me really hard yesterday and I am still sore. Is that how you f*#k your wife?” Ato obviously likes to keep the sex with his side chick dirty but clean at home with wifey. Damn, Ato! You’ve got rule #7 of the Cheater’s code locked down nicely! (The Cheater’s codes do not exist. I am just messing with you).
I spent an evening hashing things out with the couple. An evening filled with apologies to Akua from Ato and me. Why in Heaven’s name was I apologizing for this idiot anyway? I did nothing wrong here but as his best buddy, I was guilty by association.
As I drove home that night, it suddenly hit me that she never asked the most important question of all;
Akua never asked Ato if that episode was his first time cheating.
Who? What? Where? When? While we painfully dwelled on all the W’s that evening, the other times Ato actually cheated with other women never came up.
I have known Ato for years and I knew the lady who sent the message was not his first rendezvous. He just never got caught before. The “how many times” question hardly comes up.
I must state that I do understand why it never comes up. The victim of the cheating, in this case, is already hurting so why pile on? What difference will such a revelation make anyway?
If you plan to stay with a cheating partner, I will argue that it may make a difference. First of all, if some men come clean about one cheating episode, you have a higher chance of finding out the whole truth, not pieces of it. He becomes vulnerable at that time and desperately wants to be forgiven if he wants to stay so he is willing to be fully transparent.
As a rule of thumb, if your partner is cheating, rarely will you find out about it the first time, the second time or even the third time. Cheating, specifically the act of getting away with it has an addictive nature and that addiction can be hard to crack if you always go scot-free.
Personally, I rationalize getting away with cheating just like most cheaters would; as long as my girlfriend doesn’t know I have cheated, it can’t hurt her. Ignorance is bliss! You don’t have to say it; I know such rationalization is quite immature and silly. (I am still hoping my girlfriend is not reading this.)
That said, if a man gets caught once, he will fix his mistake and may go back at it again. Just as I had suspected, Ato went back to his old ways a few months after he was caught. I personally drew a line and did not cheat again after I was caught and forgiven.
Cheating again after you’ve been caught and forgiven will feel like reopening a sore to the victim.
Cheaters will cheat and continue to do so until their cheating is detected. Most men do not regret cheating, they just regret getting caught cheating.
Let’s check the second question which creates a dilemma for cheaters. Sometimes it’s posed in a form of a statement and it goes like this;
“Will you cheat on me?”
“I hope you will not cheat on me.”
This question or statement is almost guaranteed to come just like Mondays and there is no escaping it in most cases. If a man is honest with his response, he will say something like this;
“I don’t ever want to cheat on you and that is not my intention or my goal. I do not want to hurt you but the truth is; I honestly cannot say with any degree of certainty that I will not cheat on you when the opportunity presents itself.”
Did you ever listen to or dance to Christopher Martin’s song “Cheater’s Prayer?” Did you hear the lyrics? Did you catch the true meaning of what Chris was trying to convey? You have to be a man to really understand the dilemma and the conundrum Chris talks about on his track. Let’s take a look at a section of the song.
So listen to me now, it’s such a sticky situation (yeah)
Me promise my girl fi only look inna her direction
But everywhere me turn me see a next one (gosh)
And me body it too weak and a bawl fi attention
I only wanna give the girls what they want,
My lady says I’m wrong but she
I don’t wanna lie but I don’t want to cry
Yo I’m so very weak inside.
I promise my girl that I will only look in her direction but everywhere I turn (the lovely ladies by the pool), I see the next one. Gosh!! I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to cry either. I am so very weak inside. These words sum up the dilemma pretty nicely, doesn’t it? It is a sticky situation.
I am not making an excuse for cheating or cheaters, I am simply pointing out that when one is in a relationship, there will always be distractions. You will always be tempted to stare at another woman’s double lattes or tushy. You will always get excited when a hot girl compliments you or starts to pay some attention to you.
The truth is, a cheater or some men, myself included, can never be sure how we will react when tempted. Sure, the talk can be cheap but when you are cornered in a situation, there is really no telling what you might do.
At the end of the day, most, especially women, will ask; why is being faithful so difficult? For some, the thought of straying doesn’t enter the mind like it does for some of us. I don’t want to go against the grain but the temptation is harder to fight for some of us.
Some married women out there get seduced by the temptations because they crave attention. Some married men out there are seducing women because they can’t resist the temptations. People flirt with danger all the time and every now and then, a few brave ones will cross the line.
Men go out every morning knowing that we will have a bunch of “gosh!” moments with lovely ladies everywhere. The lovely ladies who have mastered the art of subtle seduction with the tight-fitting clothes and low-cut blouses. We are guaranteed to look and make split second decisions whether to lie or cry? Lie to be with her or cry because we can’t have her if we want to be good. What a dilemma?
Staying loyal just doesn’t come naturally to some of us. Some of us have tried it and it just did not work out for whatever reason. I am not justifying cheating but like many, I am just trying to get a better understanding of why some of us fall for temptations and others don’t.
Just like patience, I find staying loyal to one partner as a virtue; one I have not fully grasped yet.
Now for my confession:
I confess to my past girlfriends, my current girlfriend, to my side chicks, to my future girlfriends (who the heck knows) and my future side chicks that I have cheated.
I confessed that I have cheated through my past actions, my current actions and in my future actions, in my naughty thoughts; I have cheated in my words, in my failure to push temptations away now and in the future.
So I ask my past girlfriends, my current girlfriend, my side chicks, my future girlfriends and my future side chicks, and to you my brothers and sisters, to pray for me and forgive me for the past, the present and for my future indiscretions.
By Kwadjo Panyin
Models depicted: Starting from the left to the right; Ophelia, Nadia, Adelaide, Lisa, Rowena, Ivy, Suzan, Essel
Photographer: Foto Studios
Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.