To anyone I’ve ever told that I have swag especially when it comes to the ladies, I apologize for lying to you.
To all those who read my blogs on successful dating escapades and felt like I’ve got my shit together, I have to say, I am really sorry.
I am actually annoying and obnoxious sometimes and I have done very dumb things in my relationships.
These are five of the dumbest things I’ve said and done in the name of love.
#1 Show me your wallet
I flew 800 miles to meet a Ghanaian lady in a different State a few years ago. We met online and we clicked immediately. We talked every day for months. We finally set a date for our first meet up and we were both excited. We made dinner plans the evening of my arrival at a nice restaurant downtown. As I made my way out of the hotel, I suddenly remembered that I did not bring along any protection. I was confident that she will be coming back to my hotel room so I passed by the convenience shop in the lobby and picked up a pack of 3. I took the products out of the box, stuck them in the inside pocket of my sports jacket and headed out.
We had an amazing dinner filled with laughter and lots of wine. The check finally came and as I reached into my pocket to pull out my wallet, my new plastic friends came out and fell right on top of the table. Whoops!!! Too much wine maybe? I froze for a few seconds but it seemed like an eternity. “Really!?” I heard her yell. Next thing I knew, she was storming out of the restaurant. What a dumb move bringing along protection to a date? It would have taken me just about 5 minutes to go back to my room. Let’s just say, I spent the weekend in a different city alone stewing over the wasted time and money.
#2 You Can’t Eat Candy With The Wrapper On
I am not a big fan of protection. I don’t like using them but they are necessary for a variety of important reasons. Sometimes I wonder how difficult it must have been to be frisky centuries ago. One was guaranteed two possible outcomes; a pregnancy or an STD. I guess I should be grateful that I am not hanging out with Aristotle.
In a dumb period of my life, I used to plead with my girlfriend at the time to allow some close contact every now and then but she will not bulge. I was in the middle of the proceedings once when the protection broke. Instead of stopping, I put on my idiot hat and cranked up the intensity; hoping the roughness will distract her from realizing I was loose and free inside her rain forest. Needless to say, I was too excited to stop my swimmers from streaking inside her rain forest. Understandably, she was pissed and I got myself kicked out of my own apartment. Oh, happy days!
3 weeks later, she sent a text which read, “we need to talk asap!” An exclamation mark!? ASAP?! I called immediately and begged her to tell me what was going on but she insisted we meet in person. The torture was just beginning. She kept changing the meeting dates and times, prolonging my misery.
After 3 excruciating days, she finally informed me that she had missed her period. I felt dumb and stupid within seconds of being told about her missed period. In a stern voice, she told me to get ready to be a father because she believed she was pregnant.
As I sat on her couch scared and pondering how my life was going to change forever, she started laughing uncontrollably. Amidst laughter, she told me she was not pregnant and that, she had her period a few days prior. She tortured me just to punish me for running wild without protection in her rain forest.
#3 She Loves Me
I was dating a girl years ago but I was not too much into her. Being young and dumb, I could not bring myself to tell her the truth about how I really felt. To make matters worse, the sex was amazing! She was one of those uninhibited types; a perfect match for a freak like me. We went out to dinner one evening and just before we finished dining, she took my hand, looked into my eyes and said; “I love you.”
It was the first time she had said those words and I was caught off guard. I felt compelled to say something but I did not love her back so what was there to say? In a few short seconds, I uttered one of the dumbest responses to “I love you.” Out of my lips came the words, “I really love having sex with you.” I will never forget the death stare she gave me after I said that.
#4 Wigged Her Out
I was making out with a girl once and every now and then, she will gently push my hand away when I touched her hair. She playfully warned me twice not to mess her hair up. I did not listen obviously. Somehow, I reached out and grabbed her hair again. In response, she jerked backward quickly to move away from me. The next thing I knew, I was staring at a big wad of hair in my hands. She was wearing a wig and I had pulled it off by accident. I was staring at her wig in a state of confusion but snapped back to reality when she yelled; “Oh my God!” She was mortified and pissed off. Somehow, I let out a nervous laugh because I did not quite know what to do. She snatched her wig and ran into the bathroom.
A few minutes later, she comes out and demanded that I take her home immediately. I started to apologize but she was not having it. The drive back to her place was torture. After that evening, I never heard back from her again. I should have listened to her when she asked me not to mess up her hair.
#5 The Chauffeur
Okay, I am sure a lot of dudes may relate to this experience as it happens much more often than we care to admit. This dumb move happened when I was a freshman at Rutgers University in New Jersey. I met Esi at a food truck on the campus of all places. Her accent gave her away so I approached and asked what country she was from. To my utmost excitement, she said Ghana.
We started hanging out almost immediately and life was good. She was beautiful but I could tell she was not romantically interested in me. A month into our friendship, she told me that she needed to go visit a friend in Columbus, Ohio but she dreaded taking the public bus. Before she could finish her sentence, I gleefully volunteered to drive the 8-hour trip to Ohio. How could I say no to a weekend getaway with my crush? She readily accepted.
Like most college kids, I was broke and my vehicle was obviously not a late model. I had a part time job and I was saving the tiny paychecks I was receiving for books and food. Thinking I had the ultimate opportunity to get her to fall for me, I took my saving and paid a mechanic to fix my brakes and tune up the engine. After the repairs, I barely had enough to buy fuel for the journey and food.
She offered to buy fuel and food just before we set out and I politely declined the offer. Stupid!! After a grueling 8-hour drive in the dead of winter, we arrived at her friend’s house. A guy came out immediately and she opens the door, runs to him, hugged and kissed him. “What the French?!” Not really knowing what to do, I walked up and said, “Give me a call when you’re done.”
I drove off to the mall, walked around for the rest of the day and slept in my car since I did not have money for a motel stay. I picked her up the following evening and I drove for 8 hours back not saying a word. She tried to apologize for not telling me her friend was her boyfriend but I was feeling too dumb and stupid to look in her direction let alone respond. I dropped her off at her dorm eventually, drove off and never called her again.
Stupidity is not dead, my friends. Stupidity is not dead.
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done for love?
By Kwadjo Panyin
Kwadjo Panyin is a Ghanaian born relationship and lifestyle blogger located in Los Angeles, California. He holds three degrees; a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University in New Jersey, an MBA from Franklin University in Ohio and a Masters of Science degree from Northern Kentucky University in Kentucky. Kwadjo is a business professional who blogs for fun. His articles are about the challenges of dating and relationship anomalies. Writing, blogging, world travel, and photography are his favorite hobbies.